The Process

Wow.

The past few months, but especially the last few weeks, have been insane. It is one pivot after another. If we were on a map program, it would constantly say, “recalculating”.

We back a few months ago, we felt like we needed to put our little house up for sale and move. Crazy as it is because we just celebrated our first year in this home. Yet, we could not deny the feeling and subsequent pieces of evidence that have come that tell us that we need to move on….again.

Fortunately, our lives have been such that big changes are something we have experienced. There are times when I have craved the opportunity to put roots down for longer than a few years. Then there are other times when I am ready to make a change and move on. I truly believe that these feelings are a blessing, because they keep my mind and heart open to what is around the corner.

As we have been projecting, getting the house ready to sell, we have also been looking for a house. Trying to find the next place that God needs us to be. This has proven to be a challenge that has shaped us in ways we didn’t expect.

We have put offers on three different houses. Each one we thought for sure was THE ONE. And then, it wasn’t. Leaving us confused, sad, and relieved. It is interesting to know that we were supposed to put offers on each one because there was something we needed to learn from them.

It has been a purifying process to live through. Sometimes I would wonder why God would give us this strong feeling that we needed to move, yet there was nowhere to go. Ultimately I know that to trust God is to trust the process He will guide us through.

It has been amazing that with each disappointment has come a partial understanding of why. Looking back, even at this point, I see that we may have not been totally unified on one of the properties, but we were trying to make the other one happy. I see that financially these properties would have been a constant drain on us. I see that it may not have been the best place for our family for one reason or another.

I am sure that when we finally get to our place, we will see the reasons for this process unfold clearly. Until then, I am grateful for these little nuggets that bring understanding, comfort, and a knowledge that even when I am not in control of the process…

HE IS.

This is powerful to know. It is comforting even when our house is sold and we don’t know where we are going. It is comforting when we have looked at every house that we think is a possibility and absolutely feel like it is the wrong place for us. It is comforting when the one that shouldn’t make sense, does.

This process has taught me that sometimes I need to look outside of the box I think is the answer. I have learned that unity with my husband on our feelings is ESSENTIAL for our peace and happiness. I have learned that God’s plan for us has never made sense, but has always worked out in amazing ways.

Searching for Him in the processes of life leads to greater insights into ourselves and those around us. It teaches us that we are not alone. That He is in control when we are not. That He is mindful of us on so many levels. That what is important to us is important to Him.

This knowledge of Him makes the process of life so much better. Not easier, just better.

 

Clarity

Have you ever had a moment, so random or minute in nature, that brought more clarity than you could have imagined? These moments are treasures indeed.

clarityLast night I was blessed to find one of these little nuggets of treasure.

I have a good friend, one that I have grown to respect and value in the short time I have known her. To me, she is a powerhouse of determination, strength, humility, all wrapped up in an incredible person. The times I have been able to spend with her, I have left feeling so good both physically and mentally.

As we were chatting about life, my returning to school came up. Last summer, I felt strongly that I should finish my Bachelor’s of Science degree. I couldn’t explain the whys, just the power of the push to get it done. After much pondering and prayer, I found a degree that I would enjoy working in, because to me if I am going to spend that much amount of time I had better love what I am studying. After a bit of ‘fun’ trial and error, I found a school that would work with me as a mom (which is a full-time job 🙂 ). I settled into my Health and Wellness degree.

It has been a wonderful, difficult, challenging journey. I have learned so much in regards to nutrition, holistic healing, wellness living and exercise design. These are topics that I have always naturally loved, so increasing my knowledge therein has been fantastic.

Back to the conversation with my friend…

With a cute little smile on her face, she asked me what I want to be when I ‘grow up’.

My response: A mom. That is it. A mom. To which she completely agreed (by the way she is an amazing mom).

In that brief response came the treasure of clarity….I want to be a mom. I want to be there for my kids when they walk in the door from school. I want to cook dinner, do laundry, clean, all of the wonderful things that show we live. Mostly I want to be the one they chat with, counsel with, cry with and laugh with. They are two of the most amazing human beings I have ever met, and I want to get the most out of my time with them.

This nugget has come after many years of wondering if I was doing the right thing by staying home for them. I had always planned on working, and when things are tight, I definitely want to help. However, each time I thought about going back to work, I truly felt like vomiting. I took that as a sign from Heavenly Father that I was not supposed to (He has to be quite strong and physical with me at times). So, in that moment, He blessed me with a deeper understanding of my purpose right now.

I am truly grateful for the ‘small and simple things’ that bring deep understanding and peace.

Life is to be lived with purpose, fighting that purpose brings frustration and sadness. Embracing our purpose brings clarity and peace. How beautiful the gift.

The Dawn

amazing-sunriseI have heard many times in my life that it is always the darkest before the dawn. When you are in that darkest place, that quote can either bring comfort or irritation. I have experienced both as we have traveled through a bit of darkness in our lives. Today it brought comfort to me.

I have been seeking understanding for the current journey we are on for quite some time. I have prayed for this understanding to lighten my load and bring light to a spirit that has felt dark and alone. The times when I have felt irritation with the darkness is when I have felt a hardening of my heart, the uncertainty of the future and the desire for the dawn to come earlier than it is supposed to.

Over the past few months there have been brief moments of understanding that have come into my heart. I know that they are not my thoughts, but whisperings of someone who knows far more than I do. They have come as tiny rays of light filling my heart and allowing me to see what was necessary to give me hope and direction.

With each dawn, the light comes almost imperceptively and gradually strengthens as it approaches. It is natural. It is quiet. It is life-giving. It is beautiful, especially after a particularly dark night.

Darkness brings with it a myriad of experiences. It is near impossible to negotiate in darkness without tripping, getting smacked at various locations, running into things and feeling hopeless. There is a special, exquisite feeling of loneliness that comes when we cannot see where we are going or feel what is ahead of us. It can feel as though we are screaming into a void, with nothing coming back.

Yet, the darkest of nights give us the opportunity to see the brightest dawns.

I love being in the mountains to watch the sun come up. I see the first evidences of light in the sky. As the sun begins to emerge over the top of the mountain, the horizon becomes clear. The shadows gradually creep back, retreating before the beauty of the light can overtake them. And then, the world has opened up.

Our dark night has begun to yield. We are seeing the faintest evidences of the coming dawn. Just as it is with the mountain, we have been able to see things on the horizon first. The shadows continue to do their best to keep hold, but they will retreat as the light grows stronger. I have prayed for this moment time and time again, knowing that the dawn will come at the time Heavenly Father knows it will be the best for us. I have tried over and over to speed this process up, however His timing is always perfect.

I am forever grateful for this night we have passed through. I have never reached out so deeply and strongly to my Savior. I have never relied so much on Heavenly Father’s love and mercy. I have never seen so many daily blessings that they give us, which we can take for granted. I have never felt so close to my incredible family.

To be grateful for the dawn, we must be grateful for the night.

I Am Still Here

daisyFor the longest time I have felt I should write about an experience in my life that was completely terrifying. I have just barely begun to understand this event and the impact it has had on me. I share it because I need to…hopefully for someone who needs it.

The summer before 1st Grade was pretty hot, but being an active 5 year old, I didn’t allow the heat to slow me down much. I truly enjoyed playing outside with my friends. The street I grew up on felt like such a big world, big enough for my imagination. The street itself is a main thoroughfare and even then it was very busy. I grew up with the most strictest of rules to never go into the street. I was smart enough then to listen to my parents.

On one particular day my friend and I were invited to play with someone who lived all the way across the street. It felt like a mile. With my mom’s permission, we set off to cross this gulf that divided us from summer fun. My friend made it safely across….

After 3+ decades, the memories started to surface. I remember starting across the street. I looked up to see my friend and there was sheer terror in her eyes. Looking to my left, I saw the car. I froze. There was nothing I could do, but think, “I am going to cause my mom so much pain today.”

The car impacted me and threw me up at least 6 feet into the sky. I landed on the ground and promptly lost consciousness for a time. The next thing I remember was waking up in the ICU with tubes in my hand, a huge brace on my leg and bandages everywhere. I can’t even imagine what my parents went through….

As terrifying as it has been to relive these moments of my life, I have been blessed with the great gift of seeing things in a different light.

The miracles that surrounded that moment in my life are far more powerful than the tragedy.

As the paramedics came onto the scene and heard what had happened, they told my parents that there is no way I should have been thrown into the air. They said that almost always any type of accident involving a child my size and a moving car resulted in the child being drug under the vehicle and the child not living through it.

As blessings would have it, the accident happened right in front of a house where a young man lived who had just received training to become a paramedic. He heard the tires screech, grabbed his bag and ran out the front door. He took charge of the situation and quickly set my broken leg. Had he not been there at that time, my leg would have been permanently disfigured. He also bandaged up those parts of me that were bleeding profusely.

The most incredible miracle came when I felt safe enough to understand this time. I have always had this propensity to freeze at times in my life when I was truly terrified. I just didn’t know what else to do after this moment. I was blessed to understand that this happened for a reason. I shaped me, strengthened me and taught me that I can overcome. It taught me that I am still here for a reason, something that is far bigger than what I can understand sometimes.

This is a knowledge I have to hold onto when I am faced with moments such as those I have had as of late. I think we all have moments in our lives when we don’t feel like we have a purpose, when our trials are greater than what we can handle and when we feel like we don’t have the strength to even kneel in prayer.

I am still here, because He needs me to be.

Understanding

file0001068993697I love the quiet of the morning. In these precious moments before life takes over we can hear some of the most beautiful whisperings of the Spirit softly teaching us.

Today started rather abruptly with a thunderstorm crashing into the mountains behind our home. It was magnificent! With each clap of thunder, my heart started racing and the adrenaline started to flow. I felt so alive. My heart and mind were opened and I was able to feel, hear and receive.Continue reading “Understanding”