My Voice

It has been a long, long time. I have missed this, but I didn’t think my voice needed to be heard.

In this thought process I was wrong.

Tonight I watched a video that showed me each of us has a voice and each voice needs to be heard. Our voices are as unique as we are, because each of us has something to share, something that will impact others.My Voice

It is interesting when our voices are silent for a time, they still continue to speak in our hearts. It is there that they wait, patiently for the time when they can be shared.

Sometimes it takes a life event to bring them out. Sometimes it takes someone to ask, “What are you waiting for?” And, sometimes the patience runs out and the voice cannot stay in any longer.

My voice has been waiting for a long time. In this time it has gone through many times of, “I am so ready to be heard!!!” and, “who would ever want to listen to me?” And honestly, this roller coaster of emotions has been purposeful. With each high and low I would learn more about myself and how I fit into this great big world.

For years I have struggled with feelings of “being stuck”. I didn’t feel like I was progressing on any level, even though I was going through all of the right motions (exercising, reading, learning). Feeling stuck brought with it feelings of being less than, because I was unjustly comparing myself to people I perceived were everything I was not.

These comparisons brought with them feelings of bitterness to so many. These feelings, I thought were completely justified, hardened my heart. I viewed the world from a LACK point of view… thinking there was not enough of anything to go around. This lens on life is destructive and very binding. There was NO WAY I was ever going to free myself looking at life from this angle.

Because God is kind and knows my heart better than I do, He showed me a better way. Normally this is done through someone else, and this time was not any different. As I opened my heart, just a tiny bit, I began to hear my voice again. I began to hear the voice that was constantly learning, planning, dreaming and hoping. The freeing of my voice from the inside has allowed me to find a better path… one whereon I am moving. My path

I have learned that I have always been who I am supposed to be. My thoughts for so long were that I had to travel a path of enlightenment to discover myself. I found this to be completely false. The path is of discovery and learning. It is a path to help me truly understand my strengths and weaknesses and accept all of it, because it is who I am.

There is much to learn about who I truly am. As my heart and mind have begun to let go of lack, they have been able to see the abundance of life around me. Life that I am blessed to contribute to. Life that needs to hear my voice. So here it is….

The Dawn

amazing-sunriseI have heard many times in my life that it is always the darkest before the dawn. When you are in that darkest place, that quote can either bring comfort or irritation. I have experienced both as we have traveled through a bit of darkness in our lives. Today it brought comfort to me.

I have been seeking understanding for the current journey we are on for quite some time. I have prayed for this understanding to lighten my load and bring light to a spirit that has felt dark and alone. The times when I have felt irritation with the darkness is when I have felt a hardening of my heart, the uncertainty of the future and the desire for the dawn to come earlier than it is supposed to.

Over the past few months there have been brief moments of understanding that have come into my heart. I know that they are not my thoughts, but whisperings of someone who knows far more than I do. They have come as tiny rays of light filling my heart and allowing me to see what was necessary to give me hope and direction.

With each dawn, the light comes almost imperceptively and gradually strengthens as it approaches. It is natural. It is quiet. It is life-giving. It is beautiful, especially after a particularly dark night.

Darkness brings with it a myriad of experiences. It is near impossible to negotiate in darkness without tripping, getting smacked at various locations, running into things and feeling hopeless. There is a special, exquisite feeling of loneliness that comes when we cannot see where we are going or feel what is ahead of us. It can feel as though we are screaming into a void, with nothing coming back.

Yet, the darkest of nights give us the opportunity to see the brightest dawns.

I love being in the mountains to watch the sun come up. I see the first evidences of light in the sky. As the sun begins to emerge over the top of the mountain, the horizon becomes clear. The shadows gradually creep back, retreating before the beauty of the light can overtake them. And then, the world has opened up.

Our dark night has begun to yield. We are seeing the faintest evidences of the coming dawn. Just as it is with the mountain, we have been able to see things on the horizon first. The shadows continue to do their best to keep hold, but they will retreat as the light grows stronger. I have prayed for this moment time and time again, knowing that the dawn will come at the time Heavenly Father knows it will be the best for us. I have tried over and over to speed this process up, however His timing is always perfect.

I am forever grateful for this night we have passed through. I have never reached out so deeply and strongly to my Savior. I have never relied so much on Heavenly Father’s love and mercy. I have never seen so many daily blessings that they give us, which we can take for granted. I have never felt so close to my incredible family.

To be grateful for the dawn, we must be grateful for the night.

For You

For YouThe August rains have come. I love the respite they bring from the overpowering heat of the summer. The sound of the leaves dancing in the wind along with the song of the rain bring peace to my soul.

For the past few weeks I have been swimming in a cloud of darkness. Most mornings when I wake up it doesn’t take any time for it to wrap itself around my heart and mind. These days are quite frankly a little difficult to get through, yet somehow I do.

I came to learn last night that this darkness is an overwhelming amount of oppression, coming from the source that does not want us to succeed in any endeavor we undertake. Somehow, he paints the picture that the darkness is our doing, our fault and we are weak because we are experiencing it. I had begun to wonder if these lies were truths and what had I done to create such a nasty place in myself.

Questions of why were abounding in my mind…why does He take us to and well beyond our breaking point? why does He want us to feel like we are alone? why does He show me things that are so big and seemingly distant without showing me how? why does He not answer the many prayers that I have uttered? why am I so weak that I cannot endure this well? why does it seem that there are more questions than answers? why does it feel like the load I am carrying continues to get heavier as I get weaker?

As I shared all of this with my husband he simply smiled, kissed me and said, “I think you are amazing.” He said, “The one thing you haven’t done is give up, even though you are close. You continue to search for Him and seek His voice.” Feeling anything but amazing I let the tears flow. I just needed something….anything from Him.

Last night also happened to be the night of no sleep. My sweet daughter came down with a little summer bug which was not restful for either one of us. I didn’t feel I had much to give, so cried with her and for her. She said, “Mom, when we don’t feel like we have anything else we should just pray.” Her faith was inspired and healing. I allowed my heart to draw on the little faith it had left for her.

This morning she reached a point that she needed to sleep, so I curled up on the floor next to the couch where she was resting. During those moments before and after deep sleep I had a sweet feeling come through my mind and heart. “It is all for you. I do all of this for you. Hold on.”

Sometimes He needs to take us to a breaking point and past so that He can teach us and show us how He works. I see things differently after all of this than I did before. I have so far to go, but knowing it is all for us, because He loves us gives me strength to go on.

Our Story

Our StoryIt has been just over one year. One year ago our path took a new, faith demanding, exhilarating and beautiful turn. I had no idea what was in store for my heart, just promises from Heavenly Father that He would be there every step of the way.

As I have looked back over the year I have seen moments when there seemed like there was no way out, no answers to be had. There always seemed to be more questions than answers and the hole we were in kept getting deeper and deeper. It never did any good to ask, ‘why?’ because the moment that word slipped into my heart it was accompanied by the darkness of guilt and fear.Continue reading “Our Story”

At Bay

There are weeks in life when the wolves are barking, closing in and biting. Most of the time, they are kept at bay…unable to breach the defenses. However there comes a time and a moment that they get file5311251456711in.

When they get in there are so many things that come with them. They bring with them questions, heartache, problems that pile upon each other and soul stretching pain. The moments that are the most difficult are the ones that hold no inspiration of what to do, where to turn and how to move forward. As you stand there, the wolves are nipping at your feet, growling and pulling back to spring for the kill. Personally when staring down the throat of a wolf readying to spring in for the kill, I get a little nauseated. Continue reading “At Bay”

Hold On To The Promises

Today just feels different. Some mornings come and they bring hope with them. file0002072402222

Nothing happened to change anything, just the dawn.

Promises is a song by Sanctus Real that has been playing on my brain MP3 player for weeks. It has been in the background trying to teach me something. Today I took the time to listen. Continue reading “Hold On To The Promises”

The Edge of Faith

file5331311639504For the past 10 months we have been living on the edge of faith. It is an exhilarating place to be. This journey has been one of incredible miracles and twists and turns. I have learned time and time again that I have no idea all that Heavenly Father has in store for us, because I would have resolved everything months ago. I would have never seen and experienced all that He has shown us either…

One of the most difficult things about sharing miracles is how much power they lose when I try to write them down. Words sometimes cannot do justice to what a heart feels and a soul sees. Time and time again, there have been little things that have helped to bear us up and give us strength to hold on. Most of the time it has been a song, something someone says, a robin that flies into my yard and so forth. It is always something that Heavenly Father knows will help me. He is good to me.Continue reading “The Edge of Faith”

Hope Restored

file0001223159267As I drove home from dropping the kids off at school one of the ‘soul touching’ songs that I love came on. There are a few songs that simply reach into your soul and comfort it. The songs change with each life experience.

“Worn” is by Tenth Avenue North. In this simple one word title volumes are spoken. There are times in our lives when the trials just won’t let up. When it seems as though each day brings a new layer of learning. There are days when we ‘let our hope fail’. The heaviness can be almost unbearable to our hearts. It is soul crushing, or is it?Continue reading “Hope Restored”